Written for www.sluttygirlproblems.com

How to get the fuck over it

"How long does heartbreak take?

Will I ever have sex again?

Am I not good enough?"

Those are the questions I asked myself when the inevitable “it’s not you, it’s me” first-ever-break-up scenario happened a year ago today. The answers: about 10 months, yes, and yes, you are good enough – just not for him.

It hurts, it really hurts. The following few months after heartbreak feel like you’re withdrawing from a drug labelled “boyfriend.” Some side effects include:

- crying hysterically

- stalking (online)

- tweeting excessively

- a desire to drink alcohol, and

- over-use of selfies

The first few months are the most difficult:  Convincing yourself he was the perfect person with no bad traits, comparing yourself to his new girlfriend and desperately seeking any form of validation whether it’s a Tinder match or an Insta like.

After a two year relationship you learn a lot of things. Yes, he may have written cool indie songs about you and you may have loved his fried egg sandwiches, but that doesn’t mean it’s the end. Listen to some better music and make your own fucking fried egg sandwich.

Wallowing in self pity gets you nowhere. And while there is something strangely beautiful about listening to Keaton Henson while realizing your partner is now in love with someone else, knowing you were loved prior to the break up, there comes a point where you have to get the fuck over it.


Yes, getting the fuck over it is difficult but knowing Miles Kane once checked you out a gig three years ago gives you, at least, some form of hope.

After a slow withdrawal from “boyfriend” comes a realization of truth – you don’t need to rely on anyone for your happiness. Learning to make yourself happy and doing what you want to do with your life is overwhelming. You no longer need boyfriend.

So what has happened to me in the past year? A lot. Here are some tips on how to get over a relationship besides “getting the fuck over it” – because if only it were that easy.

1. Stop stalking.

Girls are detectives; we know everything. Who the fuck is this bitch? Has he fucked her? He told me he didn’t like brunettes – WTF?! Why did he like her picture? I recommend that the day he breaks up with you to DELETE. You will drive yourself crazy thinking he’s fucked every newly added friend.


2. Stop being a bitch.

Yes, it’s pretty difficult if he moves on within two months, especially if it’s with someone you suspected. But keep your thoughts to yourself. Ranting on Twitter about her is just mean.

3. Listen to your family and friends.

“Sorry, but he doesn’t love you anymore” is not what you want to hear from your mum, but the truth needs to be told. It’s true. He doesn’t love you like he used to. Hearing your family and friends’ past experiences will eventually help you understand heartbreak.

4. Get an online dating app.

Online dating is for everyone – whether you’re looking for a quick fuck, a friendship, an alcoholship or,
potentially (unlikely), a relationship. Whatever it is, dating is a great way to learn more about yourself and what you want in life.

5. Go on a relaxing vacation.

Alone time is much needed. After surrounding yourself with family and friends for so long, eventually you need to come out of this comfort zone and spend time with your own thoughts. You might have a little cry behind your sunglasses, but hey, at least you’ll look good with a tan.


6. Go on a fun vacation.

Go on a fun holiday with your best friend. Get drunk, nae nae, flirt, make yourself sick, and do it all over again. Being single is SO much fun, especially if your best mate is single too!

7. Do the things you want to do.

I got a fringe, a nipple piercing, and I smoked weed. Yeah, they’re tame, but I would never have done these things when in a relationship. Not because I wasn’t allowed but because I forgot who I was. Now you no longer have a partner to buy for, you can now spend all your money on – that’s right – YOURSELF!


8. Have sex.

This may not be for everyone, but convincing myself I would never have sex again until I was in love again took too long. I quickly got over that idea.

9. Take selfies.

Your self confidence may tend to drop a little after heartbreak. Taking underwear selfies for yourself and
yourself only is a great way of realizing the sexy singleton you are.


10. Forgive and never forget.

Okay. So you’re never going to forget your first love. But they’ve moved on and so will you. And you don’t have to forget them; just accept the fact that the past is the past and you have a great deal of your life left to live. They were a big part of your life but there is plenty more to life than love. After all, without heartbreak, you will never appreciate love – or your favorite emotional songs.